booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
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