Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
