She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
