I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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