Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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