he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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