It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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