my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Randomize
