I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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