Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
