My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
