New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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