why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
