anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
