BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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