My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
