I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
