i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize