the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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