im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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