I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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