So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
