Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
