So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
