Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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