she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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