hotel room ftw
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
