Where did you get a picture of my penis
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
