Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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