It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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