I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
