You just made me feel so damn special
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
