...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
