dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
