He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
