Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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