I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You are the jesus of drinking
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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