i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
