i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
