You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
