I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
