This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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