finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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