Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
