Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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