just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
