I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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