Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
