I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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