It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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