I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
