I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Panties = found
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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