if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
