went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize