you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
