Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize